The Pittie Poem

I saw this poem and being a Pit bull owner I HAD to share. Anyone that knows my dog, knows he is the sweetest friendliest dog you will ever meet. We saved him from the pound when he was 11 months old and i couldnt ask for a better dog. I get extremely offended when people sterotype him because he is unlike any dog you'll ever meet.

"Please don't believe what you hear

They have made me a poster dog and instilled this fear.

I may be big and I may be strong

But I have done NOTHING wrong.

A vicious cycle, I wish I were never born.

Into the hands of a monster, now my heart's been torn.

They threw me in the pit, I could hear the people cheer.

Blood on the walls, no fight in me....Just fear.

I am of no value now, they tossed me aside.

As I lay bleeding, I have no place to hide.

And now I am taken to a grey, scary place.

I am cut and wounded from my tail to my face.

Here I lay alone, on this cold cement floor.

Waiting for my chance, to get out the door.

I only have a day or two before I am put to death.

A day or two more till I breathe my last breath.

But I haven't had the chance to show you..... I'm a good boy.

I never had a treat, I never had a toy.

I am a Pit Bull, It doesn't mean that I will bite.

It doesn't mean I am a devil, it doesn't mean I want to fight.

Look into my eyes once as you pass me by.

Can you really see a killer?....Come on, don't lie.

You know you see something, a soulful sadness in my eye.

Please take me out of here.

Please......Don't let me die."

 

I know there are bad dogs out there but i think any beerd of dog has the potential. I have been bit by a Chow and my brother was bit by a German Shepard....Go figure...never by a pit.

I believe its all on how you raise them and usually its NOT the case of a bad dog, but a bad owner.

How can anyone resist those sweet puppy dog eyes...............
..........???

Finally some good news ;-)

The surgery was last Wednesday and everything went really well. I was actually really impressed with MUSC. I know it’s the biggest/best hospital around but I also work there so I know things don’t always happen super quickly. I arrived at 5:35 and about 10-15mins later they already had me in registration. 10 mins after that the nurse came and took me back to the holding room where they keep the patients before surgery. By 7am they had me changed and the IV in and I was ready to roll into surgery. It all happened really fast and there was no waiting around time for me to get nervous. Jason said the procedure only took 30mins and I was in the Recovery room. Of course when I woke up I didn’t feel good at all. Anesthesia makes you nauseous and I was defiantly feeling it. Jason went to fill my prescriptions which we did at the hospital’s pharmacy and ended up paying only $21 for the 4 different prescriptions they gave me!!! The car ride home was rough but when I got home I ate a little, took every type of medication they gave me and went in the room to sleep. I was out for about 4 hours and when I woke up I felt fine and have ever since. I was really pleased with how everything went.

After a wonderful Christmas vacation, it was back to work Monday.

I am technically supposed to be on light duty because I have stitches in and they don’t want me doing anything to strenuous. Anyone that works in x-ray or at a hospital for that matter knows that light duty is a tall order. There are just too many things to do and too little people to do them. I was pushing the portable machine down the hall (which I’m probably not supposed to be doing, but its self propelled so it’s not like it’s heavy) and who do I see???? My GYN Oncologist!! She said ‘hi’ and then stopped to talk. I really thought she was going to fuss at me for being back at work already and pushing the machine but she said that she had needed to call me anyway because the pathology report had come back already on my biopsies. I just had the procedure done on Wednesday so I was really surprised it was back already! She said she had good news and back news…. The good news was that they took a large piece of my cervix and the margins came back negative which mean they got it all!!!! The only bad news was in the piece they took there was a small amount of Cancer in it as well. I wasn’t really sure how to take this but she said it was good and that I don’t have to have the hysterectomy right now. I still need to have it eventually but since they got everything out I can wait and try to have a baby first!!!! There is still a chance it can come back or be in my uterus. Once I have the hysterectomy that will all be taken care of, but until then they will just continue to watch me!!! I am soooo excited!!! I come off Depo in February and I will be healed from this last procedure by then!!! Chances are if I do get pregnant I may have to have a C-section but im ok with that. I am going to talk to my Doctor and see If they do a C-section if they can do the hysterectomy at the same time because I’m gonna be one and done. No more after that. So thank you to everyone wishing me well and keeping me in your thoughts!

Well I go in next Wed. the 23rd to have my 'surgery', I wasn’t too nervous till my pre-op appointment yesterday. It's just nerve racking knowing that your going to be put to sleep with a tube stuck down your throat and possibly a catheter in.....ugh!

The last biopsy they took wasn’t scar tissue like they had hoped so the oncologist is a little worried that she can visibly see the bad cells. I am still hoping to try for a baby after this but it really all depends on how the results of this come back. They could get in there and it is a lot worse then what they thought. Hopefully it will be a quick and easy procedure because Christmas is TWO days later!!! I’m crazy for doing it then but it was the only days I could get off!!

I’m still optimistic and whatever happens happens. It's in God's hands and I trust his judgment.....still wish me luck ;-)

Surprise

Surprise! I have completely changed my mind again. I was at Taylor’s soccer game yesterday talking to Jason and my mom about everything that’s going on and after talking with them I have decided I want to try to have another baby. Both my mom and Jason are SOOOOOOOO very supportive of me and they agree with whatever I decide to do. I feel like if I don’t TRY I will regret it forever. This new decision doesn’t mean for sure I'm going to be able to have another baby but if I have the choice that’s what I want and then I will have the hysterectomy immediately after.


First I have to get the results back from the biopsy I had done the other day. That’s probably the biggest thing I’m waiting on right now. If it doesn’t come back as cancer then I think I'm going to skip the Cone since it increases my chances of having a preterm delivery so much. I took my last shot of Depo in November so it won’t be till February that I’m off of that.

I already decided I would not be taking the Depo anymore anyway. I’m really excited to get off of it. I have been on it since I had Taylor and in January that will be 10 years!!!! I can’t believe my baby is so big!!! But the bonus is she will be a HUGE help with a new baby.

I think we will set a time limit on how long to try for. Like I said before they don’t want me to wait any longer than 5 years to have the hysterectomy. I think once I come off the Depo in Feb we will try for exactly one year. If nothing happens in that year then I will have the hysterectomy done. From what they tell me this isn’t something I want to wait around on and I still have to talk to them and tell them this is what I want to do...we'll see...

I feel like I have to try and then if it doesn’t happen then that’s God's way of taking it out of my hands. I have been on the fence about this for so long I’m really excited that a decision will be made one way or another.

I feel like he knows what’s best for me so I fully accept whatever that is.

These are a lot of if's.....if the biopsies come back ok.....if I am even able to get pregnant... if its cancer....if if if.....

So I can decide on something today and then have to change it tomorrow.....

Either way I’m ready for whatever comes my way ;-)

Decisions

I had my first appointment with my gyn oncologist yesterday at the Hollings Cancer Center at MUSC. My regular OB sent me there because of the results of my last LEEP.

I was really nervous before i went because i didn't know if i would get any new information or if we would just be going over the same things i have already been told.

My wonderful husband knew i was nervous and came to meet me for my appointment. i told him he didn't need to come but he insisted. He wanted to hear everything they were telling me so i didn't have to come home and try to summarize.

Basically i didn't get any new information. She just told me that the LEEP results had come back not so good so they want to do another one called a Cone LEEP where they take a bigger piece of cervix from the inside instead of the outside. It's very similar to the last procedure i had done except they will do this one in the OR. I already knew they were wanting to do this so no surprise there. When they do this they are hoping to get all the bad cells out and have negative margins but if they don't then they have to be more aggressive. She took a look to see how i had healed from the last procedure and right then and there decided to do a biopsy. That was a little unexpected and hurt but she said she saw a spot that didn't look so good but thought it was just scare tissue from the last procedure. Since i was under the research study the last time she doesn't have access to the piece they took so she cant have it tested herself. She had not planned on doing the biopsy but now she will have something she can test. If it comes back like it has been they will do the Cone. If it comes back as cancer they want me to have a hysterectomy. That's a scary word for a 26 year old but my regular OB had already told me this.

I'm not upset i might have cancer and might need a hysterectomy, I'm upset that this will mean no more kids. I wont have a choice. I could postpone the hysterectomy and try to get pregnant but as soon as i had a baby they would want me to get the hysterectomy done. They don't really advise this. With me having two LEEP's done my chances of having a preterm baby have greatly increased. Jason and I have still not really decided if we want more kids or not. With his 2 and my 1, when they are all together its alot. I'm kinda on the fence about this one. Of course i want a child with my husband but I'm not sure if either one of us is ready to start all over again. And now with all this cancer talk going on i HAVE to make a decision. Even if the biopsies don't come back as cancer they want me to eventually have the hysterectomy done. They feel the cells are bad enough that it is progressing that way and the best thing to do is take everything out so we don't have to worry about it. They don't want me to wait 20 years to do it. They want me to wait a max of 5 and if i have a child before then to do it as soon as i have a baby. This puts a lot of pressure on me. I have decided that if it comes back as cancer i will just have the hysterectomy done and skip they Cone (this is also what they want me to do) if it doesn't come back as cancer i still have to have the Cone and then we see from there. The Cone results could come back bad since it will give them a much bigger area to test and i could still have to have the hysterectomy. Either way i have to have the hysterectomy i just have to decide when. Do it now and not worry about cancer or try to have a baby and hope it doesn't progress into severe cancer while I'm waiting because basically that's what my cells are turning to.......These are HUGE decisions.......

Lets see, lots of things have been going on
It's been almost a month. Last time i wrote i was excited about going to the fair. Taylor LOVED it. She did her little dance on stage with her dance group and then afterwards we went to ride rides. We weren't planning on it but me and Jason got our hands stamped too so we could ride with her. I used to ride the rides all the time. This time i had just had half of an elephant ear and some of Jason's cinnamon roll...they were ohhhh sooooo yummy but not something you should eat before you get on a ride. The first one i got on wasn't so bad but shook me up a lil. The next one turned me green!! Jason and Taylor were making fun of me and Taylor wouldn't even sit next to me on the rides cause she said she didn't want to get puked on!!! lol!! i managed to hold it in but i had to regress back to the lamer rides!! it was still fun! and i know Taylor had a blast. All in all she spent like 5 hours at the fair...we were so tuckered out by the time we got home!!!

Halloween was also fun. We just went to a friends house and then to a bar. Jason's Charlie Brown outfit was cracking our friends up (its an inside joke) and i glad it came out so well.
November has flown by!!! i cant believe its almost over already!!!
Unfortunately i got some bad news on the LEEP i had done a couple months ago. The results came back alarmingly bad and so they are going to have to repeat the procedure in hopes of getting all the bad cells out. If that doesn't work they are going to talk to me about my other options but right now things aren't lookin good. I am very optimistic and have not let the news affect me too much. Whatever happens happens and I'm not going to stress over it. just keep me in your thoughts this month ;-)
We got the kids again this past week for thanksgiving, which was soooo nice!! We miss them sooo much and love every minute we get to spend with them!! It was so wonderful spending thanksgiving at my grandparents. They are usually sad over the holidays because their sons aren't here. I think this year we finally had a thanksgiving like we used to have, with the house full of kids!!! I ate entirely too much and loved every bite. My brother fried a turkey and my husband pretty much devoured it!!! Family time is my FAVORITE time!!!

We also went to see New Moon on its opening weekend....LOVED IT. Jason hated it because it was such a sappy love movie but i enjoyed it. I didn't like the first twilight because of how it was directed and how much it differed from the book. This time the got it dead on!!! Thankfully Robert and Kristen are getting better at their craft ;-) Oh and Jacob...hmmmmm I cant wait to see the next one!!!

Oh and i chopped my hair off this past weekend. I have been meaning to do it since the wedding but have been waiting on the weather to stay cold since my hair is so frizzy
All in all i chopped 5 INCHES off the back!!! I LOVE IT!!! it feels so good and even my brother told me how good it looks!! i know if HE is giving me a complement it must be good!!! Ill post pics of that soon but i don't have any yet.
Here are the pics i promised of my flowers and some other misc......enjoy and

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

Me and my mini!!

The oh so amazingly beautiful flowers my hubby got me


My smiling pup with the poo head pup


My little girl has graduates to the big rides that mommy cant handle anymore ;-)


Charlie Brown and Lucy... (incert music here)


My little vampire ;-)

Freaky Friday!!!!

It’s Finally Freaking Friday!!!!
I’m so happy!! Tonight we are going to the Fair to watch Taylor do her dance thing on stage!! I am so excited for her!! She says she’s not nervous but I’m sure once she gets up there she will be!!! She is missing a soccer game to go : ( but we had to pick one or the other. So far her soccer team is undefeated (knock on wood) and we have another game tomorrow morning anyway, so I don’t think missing one game is too bad, esp when some people don’t bother brining their kids to practice all week and just show up for games. (but that’s another rant)
I’m super excited about going to the fair. One, to see Taylor dance, but Two, I LOVE THE FAIR!!! To me it signals the real weather change. The weather has just been teasing us up until this point!! I hate cold weather, but I love all the things that come with the cold… Like Halloween and Thanksgiving and Christmas!!! That’s all family time to me and NOTHING is more important to me than my family!
But back to the fair…..I’m excited about walking around and seeing all the exhibits and eating all the food…mmmmmmm….fair food!! We are going to let Taylor ride rides after her performance and then I think my mom will take her home so me and Jason can have some time by ourselves…it’ll be like a date!!!
OHHHHHHH…..I almost forgot!!! I should be getting my car back today or tomorrow!!! I have been without my car for probably a year and a half!!! Long story. But I talked to the guy yesterday and if it wasn’t for running out of work today to get to the fair on time to see Taylor dance I could probably get it today!!! OMG you have NO idea how good it’s going to be to finally have that thing back!!! Me and Jason have been car pooling for the last year and a half! It works great and saves us gas, but right now I can change my hours at work and come in a little earlier and leave a little earlier if I had a car to get me there!!! It’s only 30 mins earlier but I could do soooooo much with that!!! I can actually get off and go to the gym!!! Ill be able to get Taylor to soccer practice (right now I am depending on my mom and we just meet them there) I can go hang out with friends whenever I want and not have to worry about whether Jason already has something to do!!! Oh the possibilities!!!!
Taylor is really excited about Halloween, she’s going to be a vampire. The time of princesses and fairies has past. I talked to Isabella the other night and she is going to be some chick from NCIS!!! What a nut that kid is!!! What 7 year old bypasses all the crazy costumes they have these days to be a character from NCIS!!! She’s going to grow up to be an actress someday I swear!!! I wish they were here with us so we could take them trick or treating with Taylor : ( I miss them so much. I can’t wait till they can move back closer again.
Not really sure yet what me and Jason will be getting into. There has been some talk but nothing set in stone yet. I’m really excited about our costumes and will post pics later.
Hope everyone has a happy/scary Halloween!!!
Trick or Treat!!!

Busy Busy

I have a very busy weekend ahead.
Saturday Taylor has soccer and dance both!!! So we’ll be running around all day Saturday.
Tonight (Friday) we are going to Boone Hall for their Fright Night. They have a haunted house, a haunted hayride and a haunted corn field.
It’s crazy because I have lived in Charleston ALL of my life but I have never been! So I’m really looking forward to going!!! Plus we are going with a big group of friends so even if it isn’t scary, we’ll still have fun.

Yesterday we went to see Couple’s Retreat. I didn’t really want to see if but Jason did so we went. It was pretty funny!
I actually had off yesterday because Wed I had to have a procedure called a LEEP.
I am taking part in a research study on HPV at MUSC. I joined the study because they give you the vaccine for free and they compensate you for your time.
They did a pap smear which came back irregular so they decided to do biopsies. No big deal.
Well when the biopsies came back they said I had level 3 dysplasia. I wasn’t really sure what that meant so I asked the dr. and she explained that cell just don’t go from zero to caner they go through stages. Most women come back with a mild level of dysplasia which is a level one. Level 3 is severe dysplasia and the stage right before cancer. Or at least that’s the way I understood her.
Now that doesn’t mean I have cancer or even that im going to get caner.
The did the LEEP procedure which is when they go in and actually cut off some of your cervix (OUCH!!) they do this in hopes of getting all of the abnormal cells.
The procedure really wasn’t too bad, the worst part was when they used the needle to numb me up!! Oh the cramps were bad!!! But after that I didn’t feel anything.
I was surprised when I saw the amount they cut off but the Doc assured me that they actually only took a small piece. Now they will send off what they took and test it to see if it has negative or positive margins. If the margins are negative that means they got all the bad cells. If the margins are positive they will go back in about 6 weeks, after I heal from the last procedure and do it again to try to get it all.
At first I was really worried but after having the Doc explain everything to me and talking to other women that have had it done or who work in GYN offices, im not really worried anymore. The chances of it EVER turning in to cancer are pretty slim. And as long as I continue to go to the DR. on a regular basis and am monitored correctly they can catch anything way before it gets bad.

The worst part of it all is i cant have sex for FOUR WEEKS!!!! I cant believe its going to take that long to heal!!! Sucks for me : (
So I went after work on Wed. to have it done and was just going to take the bus back to the car like I usually do. But right before the procedure Jason was txtin me and telling me how he felt bad he wasn’t there. I told him not to worry and I would be fine but he insisted on rushing out of work and driving ALL the way downtown so he could pick me up. It was really sweet and made me feel good that he was thinking about me and didn’t want me to ride the bus all uncomfortable.
Oh earlier in the week he also sent me one of the most beautiful bouquet of flowers I have ever seen!!! I told him after we got married I never wanted roses again. I had fallen in love with the Tiger Lilies in my wedding bouquet and decided that while roses are beautiful my new flower is the tiger lily (I even plan on getting a tiger lily tattoo to symbolize our marriage, corny I know, but thats what you get when you have a husband thats covered in them) So anyway I THOUGHT I was doing him a favor since roses are so expense but after I saw the bouquet he got I think I was wrong!! They are not tiger lilies, he called and asked for those but they didn’t have any (wtf?) so he got regular lilies instead. I am NOT complaining!!! They are yellow and orange, which are my favorite fall colors, and I put them in our foyer along with some of my other fall decorations and it looks amazing!!! I’ll have pics later of how I have it set up!! This isn’t a great pic of them because it was taken at work on my phone so Ill post more later.

(This picture really doesnt do them any justice!!!)

Oh also while Neiko and Isabella were here we carved pumpkins. I wanted to get them little small ones but Jason doesn’t do anything small. So now we have 3 huge pumpkins we helped the kids carve. It was fun and ill also post pics of that later!!
That’s all for now!!!

My family's complete!!!

I woke up this morning to the sounds of Neiko and Isabella in the kitchen. They are Jason’s kids who were living in GA for about two years. When they were in GA we got them every other weekend.
About 3 or 4 months ago their step dad got stationed in Tenn. So now instead of them being two hours away they are now 10hrs away!!!!
Right after they moved we got them for two straight weeks during their summer break which was awesome!!!
I was doing laundry every single day and we went through a gallon of milk a day!!!
I took some time off and LOVED staying home with all of them!! Having 3 kids in the house is A LOT!!! They fuss and fight and are amazing all at the same time!!! I understand the whole stay at home mom thing now!!! When you have that many, you HAVE to be there or the house would be a wreck!!!
That was back in August and we haven’t seen them since :*(
I miss them like crazy so I cant imagine what Jason is going through, and on top of everything else he has had to deal with these past few months.
I know getting his kids is going to really help heal his heart!!!
When I saw them this morning I wanted to burst!!! I love those kids like they are my own. With them here I truly feel like my family is complete!!!
I wish we could have them on a full-time basis but both Jason and I understand that they need their mom. She is a good momma to them and there is no reason they shouldn’t be with her.
Thankfully our relationship with her and her husband is a decent one. It started out a little rocky, which was to be expected, but now I think we have it figured out and everyone is happy!!!
Hopefully we’ll get them again either for Thanksgiving or for Christmas.
I am hoping for Christmas so we can keep them longer and because I cant image Christmas without them!!!
Their step dad is only stationed in Tenn. for two years so we are all keeping our fingers crossed that when that time is up he will get stationed back in GA!!!
Im sure I will be taking a TON of pics this weekend and ill post them later!!!
So back to work for now…im counting down the time till I get off and go be with my WHOLE family!!!

Think Pink

Think Pink!

Most people already know that October is National Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!
I am excited that this year MUSC is taking a bigger part in recognizing Breast Cancer Awareness!!! They purchased pink ribbon pins for all the staff and on Fridays we will be allowed to wear pink shirts!!! I can’t wait to go get my breast cancer T-shirt!!! What I really like is the fact that hundreds of products are sold with the promise of a donation to support public awareness or cancer research! With that said here a few sites I found that will be support Breast Cancer Awareness this month by donating part of the proceeds to the National Breast Cancer Foundation!! So you can support the cause and look cute at the same time!!!


You can find these earrings at SophiaandChloe.com under HAUTE NEW BAUBLES! They are called Pea in the Pod earrings and 20% of the proceeds in October are donated to Susan G. Komen for the Cure. Love these Earrings!!! They are a little pricey ($88) but are too cute and well worth it!!

This site I found is awesome and has EVERYTHING!!! Its PinkRibbonStore.com the prices are really reasonable. This site helps fund mammograms for women in need and they also give to other causes.

After my wedding I fell in love with Clinique makeup!!! Sephora.com has this pink lip gloss key chain for $18.50 and $10 per item purchased in October will be donated to The Breast Cancer Research Foundation!!

This was a cute lunch tote from TheorganizedParent.com unfortunately due to the popular demand of the item they have run out of stock and are unable to restock the item. However they state that if you purchase ANY of their other style of lunch totes (they have really cute ones) they will donate $5 from the purchase price to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure and you’ll receive a FREE Mommy Needs Coffee thermos!!! Not bad!!!

You can also go to the post office and pick up Breast Cancer Research Stamps. They cost a lil more (55cents or $11 per pack) but ALL net proceeds go to charity. They used the artwork of illustrator, designer and educator Whitney Sherman. I really like the design and think it’s worth the little extra money.

Another site is ShopKomen.com with 25% of your merchandise purchase price will benefit Susan G. Komen for the Cure in the fight against breast cancer.

There are plenty of other sites out there that donate to breast cancer causes. Do your research to find out how much. I don't personally know anyone with breast cancer and hopefully I never will but unfortunately the odds are not in my favor. Sometime during my life this can affect someone I know and love. I don’t want to wait till then to try to do something about it.

September summed up

*Lots of things have been happening this past month. About two weeks ago my brother-n-law moved in with us. He was staying at his mom’s house but she is selling it so he was looking for a place to stay and I just happened to have an extra room. It’s a little different having another person in the house, and I joke that we truly are living like Mexicans, but so far it’s working out. We don’t see too much of my brother because he works so much but he has been hanging out with our little group a lot more, which is fun!!
*We took at trip this past weekend down to West Palm Beach, Florida with 6 of our friends to see All American Rejects, Fallout Boy, and Blink 182. Two sets of couples (Gem & James and Rick & Krista) and then Erica (LOVE HER) and my brother. There were 8 of us in a van for 8 hours!!! We left Friday night and headed to Erica’s house in Georgia to pick her up, it was only three hours away so we figured why not just stay the night there. She has a BEAUTIFUL house!!! There was plenty of room for all of us! We got up the next morning and drove the rest of the 5 hours to FL. We wanted to get there a lot earlier so we would have plenty of time to tailgate, but by the time we got to the concert we only had 2 hours of pre-party. It was too much fun. My husband made a portable beer pong table out of an old table I was about to throw away, and we brought ladder golf and washer toss!! The concert was amazing! Blink 182 was the best! Travis Barker does a drum solo at the end and they lift his platform up in the air and spin him around! It was really good to see him after his accident and the death of DJ Am. It’s scary to think he might not be with us anymore. He is extremely talented. The rest of the trip went by pretty quick. We got up the next morning and Jason and I drove around. We found a flea market and a Boston Market before the long ride home.

*Taylor has started soccer and dance. We stay really busy with that. She did her first dance performance at an old folk’s home. It was too cute. Later they will perform at the fair. I’m really excited for her. She has her first soccer game this weekend.
*Both Jason and I have our Halloween costumes picked out!! I’m really excited but can’t say what they are yet. All I can say is that I made them for super cheap!!!
*On a sad note, Jason’s grandfather passed away earlier this month. He had had a stroke a couple years back and his health had been deteriorating since then. It was really sad but not as unexpected as Jack’s passing. Jason flew back to Jersey for a day for the funeral.
*Other than that things have been good. I have joined a group of ladies in a private blog so if I don’t write on here as much that’s probably why. It’s a great way to keep in touch with each other and the things we say there are a little more private. It’s a great place to vent. It’s more for wives than anything. (I’ve been told that I can invite other wives so if anyone needs a place to go ahhhhhh!!! Let me know ;-)
That’s all for now………

School's starting again

School starts for me next week so I thought I would write a lil before I didn’t have time to.
This semester marks my last year in this program. I am VERY excited to be done!!!
When I first started college, I thought I would get my associates degree and stop there.
I figured as long as I had that I could take care of me and Taylor forever.
So far I was right. Taking x-rays pays the bills. But after working at MUSC for about a year I realized that I would be stupid to NOT go back to school!!!
MUSC has a tuition reimbursement program. All I had to do was go back for something that would further my career and they reimburse me for most of the cost of tuition. That’s why I decided to get my Bachelor’s. To me it was free money sitting out there waiting to be used by anyone smart enough to utilize it!! Granted when I graduate I wont immediately get any raises or be promoted to any new position, but ill have my degree and later down the road I can decide how im going to use it!
I have even started thinking about going back after all of this is over. Maybe taking a year break and then see if I want to take the next step!
As much as I complain about it, I have found that I actually enjoy school.

Jack

So, I just thought i would update.
On 8-5-2009 Jason's best friend passed away :*(
His name was Jack and he was in our wedding.
This is a guy my husband has known for most of his life. The only way they these two could have been any closer was if they were brothers.
Needless to say, Jason is taking this pretty hard.
I'm trying to be there for him as best i can, but i know nothing i do will take his pain away.
It sucks seeing the person you love with all your heart hurting and not being able to do anything about it.
We took an impromptu trip to Jersey for the funeral.
It was heartbreaking.
This was a man who has touched soooooo many people!!!
He was doing better than he ever had and he got cut short!
He played on a baseball team and even though he had no children, he was great with them!
He was uncle Jack to his brother's kids and to Jason's!
He was even Neiko's godfather.
It was so moving hearing all the stories from everyone.
I am sad to say i didn't get to know him as well as i would have liked.
And i had NEVER seen the wild jack that i had heard so much about!
At the wedding he did a wonderful job as one of the groomsmen.
After reading some things he wrote, i realized what an amazing mind he had!!!
He was a sharp as a tack and never lacked sarcasm!!!
He was never afraid to tell you how it was even if you didn't want to hear it!
The viewing was probably hardest on Jason. Seeing his friend lying there and knowing he would never get to see him again.
Later that night on the way home we heard Freebird on the radio. That was jack's song! They even had it playing at the viewing!!!
Before the week was up we heard that song 3 more times and a number of others that were well known as his songs!!
Each time i heard the songs i wanted to cry.
I truly feel like he was letting Jason know that he is still here with him looking after him.
It is going to be a very long time before my husband recovers from this (if ever)
All i can do is be here for him the only way i know how.
We miss you jack.
Your pal is not the same without you.
Rest in Peace.
Love
Kim

The Wedding and Honeymoon story

Hanauma Bay

Me and my Husband!!!!

Hey!!! Its been awhile since i posted but things were CRAZY there for awhile!!!

So the story goes.............

Me and Jason were fighting soooooo much leading up to the wedding!!! I was soo stressed between working and planning the wedding and trying to get all my school work done i think i was going crazy!!

His friends came into town the Thursday before the wedding and while i had some good moments with them (the are ALL awesome!!) me and Jason were both tense and we were fighting some. I hate doing that in front of his friends that he hasn't seen in so long.

So when Saturday rolled around i was actually nervous to walk down the aisle. A lot of it had to do with the fact that there were going to be sooooo many people there and i was unsure if everything was going to come together like i planned.

As soon as i got up that morning, Jason's sister Aja, went with me to get my nails done, then it was off to do hair, and finally make-up. By this time my other bridesmaid, Nicole, was with us also.

We finally made it to Dunes West and automatically i asked for a glass of champagne!!!

My cake was waiting for me as soon as i walked in and it turned out BEAUTIFUL!!! i was so pleased with it!

Then i went upstairs to start getting ready and saw my flowers. I LOVED them!!! You have to remember i told her what i wanted but i had no idea how it would come out so this was the first time seeing my flowers!! they were PERFECT!!!!

My mom was there getting ready. She had already been there for 2 hours setting up centerpieces and what not. I was so pleased. I never took the centerpieces out of the box so they could have all been smashed and i would not have known until the day of the wedding. I slacked in a few areas!!

Finally all my bridesmaids came and were getting ready, my grandmother came in and i almost lost it! It took everything in me not to start crying and ruin all my makeup!!! Thankfully i was able to keep it together!

By this time my hair had fallen. I got it done at 12pm and knew it probably wasn't going to hold so my PHOTOGRAPHER started curling my hair 15 mins before i was to walk down the aisle!! She is the BEST!!! I asked her if she did this at all her weddings!!

They were careful not to let Jason see me and it was finally time to walk down the aisle! Right before we walked out i got choked up again standing there with my papa, this was the day i had waited for since me and Jason got together. It was too funny, he didn't know what to do! He started patting me on the back like i was choking or something, asking me what was wrong! This made me smile and i told him he needed to make me laugh!

I made it down without spilling any tears and when i was finally standing next to Jason i let out a huge sigh of relief. Jason just laughed.

When i looked at Jason and the expression on his face i knew everything was going to be OK and that the wedding was perfect. He looked like he was falling in love with me all over again. Words cannot express how i felt at that moment!

Other than the bugs outside everything went better than i could have ever imagined!

After what seemed like a ton of pictures we all went inside to eat. The food was awesome!

The rest of the night consisted of talking with friends and dancing!

PERFECT!!!!

We didn't try to leave for the honeymoon until Monday and unfortunately were unable to fly out of Charleston because we were flying on standby. So after picking up another passenger that couldn't get a flight out, his mom drove us to Columbia and from there we made it to Atlanta.

From there we had a choice of getting stuck in Atlanta or flying to Los Angles and getting stuck there. Neither Jason or i have ever been to LA, and Atlanta is only 5 hours from the house so we choose LA. We got a super nice hotel and went down by the beach and ate at this amazing place called Mama D's. It was one of those hole in the wall places we just happened to find. I'm so glad we did because it was some of the best Italian food i have ever had! And the service was better than any upscale restaurant i have ever been to!


Anyway, the next day, Tuesday, we were able to catch the flight to Honolulu.

Finally! We had made it!! Of course since we were a day behind Jason wanted to hit the ground running so we asked around and was told that we could catch a Booze Cruise if we walked down a little ways from the hotel. So that's exactly what we did. The catamaran was super fun and we met a super sweet old lady! She had just lost her husband 7months before, which was so sad, but she was there, making the best of things! She was also celebrating her 80Th birthday!!! I hope I'm still going that strong at 80yrs old!!!!

The next day we started planing the rest of our adventures and reserved our spot at Germaine's Luau on the west side of the island later that night! Jason said that was his favorite part of the trip. I think probably because of the all you can eat buffet, but he says because of all the authentic Hawaiian experience. The show was fantastic and it was great seeing all the Hawaiian culture!


Thursday we had a full day. We got up at like 6am that morning so we could go hike up Diamond Head. It got its name from British sailors in the 1800's. When they first saw the crater at a great distance, the calcite crystals in the lava rock appeared to glimmer in the sunlight. The sailors mistakenly thought there must be diamonds in the soil.
Its an inactive volcano, which has been extinct for 150,000 years.
There are two sets of stairs, one with 99 steps and the other, 76 steps. There is also a 225-foot unlit tunnel and an observation deck at the top The hike is classified as easy to moderate in exertion and let me tell you, i was huffin and puffin well before we hit the top!! I cant believe i saw people RUNNING it!!! but it is certainly worth the breathtaking view of the entire west side of the island!!!!

Our next journey was to Hanauma Bay meaning the "curved" bay. This was a protected marine life conservation area and underwater park in 1967. This is the best place for snorkeling and diving due to the large coral reef. The bay floor is actually the crater of an ancient volcano that flooded when the exterior wall collapsed and the ocean rushed in. The curve of the bay provides protection from the ocean waves and allows swimmers a terrific opportunity to view the marine and reef life in a safer, protected environment! This was probably my favorite part of the trip. You could be standing knee deep and as long as you had your face in the water you could see all kinds of tropical fish!!! we didn't see any sea turtles but the experience is one i will never forget!!!!

The next day we took a trip out to the west side of the island to go kayaking in Kailua Bay. Here you could kayak out to two of three islands that are bird preservation islands!!! It took sooooo long to get there but it was beautiful! This is where things started to go downhill for me. We snorkeled a little and i knocked my knee open on the reef. The snorkeling also wasn't as good as the day before. We finally made it back and while helping Jason carry the kayak i pretty much kicked a stump that was hidden in the sand. I didn't realize it at first but that stupid stump took a huge chuck of skin out of the bottom of my foot. It wasn't bleeding or anything but it HURT. Jason made me get in the kayak because it was on wheels and he could pull me back to turn the kayak in. I was sooo embarrassed. When he pulled me up the people working at the place called me a princess, jason thought this was too funny that even the Hawaiian people know I'm a princess.

Due to my foot we were slowed down a bit for the rest of the day. We had to drive back to the hotel instead of continuing on so that i could change into a pair of tennis shoes. Thankfully i brought them for the hike because the rest of the trip would have been ruined if i had to stay in flip flops!!

We didn't make it everywhere we wanted that day so we decided to go out to eat at a really nice restaurant that night. It happened to be a 20min walking distance from our hotel but i made it. I'm glad i did because the food was awesome. On our walk back we hit up some of the bars around and spent a wonderful night together.

The next day was Saturday and the day we were supposed to leave. Our flight didn't leave until 3pm so we had time to squeeze just a little more in. We were going to go to the Dole pineapple plantation on the North side of the island but since we didn't get up early enough there was going to be enough time. I decided we HAD to go to Pearl Harbor. Jason agreed.

We only had time to visit the USS Bowfin but im sooo glad we did!!! This 80-man submarine was launched on December 7th 1942 and completed nine successful war patrols. For her wartime service she also earned both the Presidential Unit Citation and the Nay Unit Commedndation. Unfortunately we didn't have time to see any of the other sites but i thought the USS Bowfin was pretty neat!

We made it to the airport on time and waited for our flight out which we were not able to catch. It was full. We decided to try and go back the way we came, going to LA first instead of straight to Atlanta. We were ON the plane and because the plane was weighing heavy I got pulled off. Of course Jason got off too. We ended up staying one more night on Oahu. You would think this would be great but we just wasted 7 hours of our day in the airport and had to do it all again the very next day. We finally made it home.

It was a very long, fun trip and i miss Hawaii but it feels so good to be home.

Things have changed since we got married. First, a huge weight off stress was lifted off me the minute i said "I Do". Second, I feel more attached to him. I stand behind every decision he makes. I'm still the boss ;-) But he has the final say so in what we do. That doesn't mean all arguing has gone out the window. It just means when we do argue or bicker we both know that the other one is still going to be there the next day. Thankfully are relationship has been renewed and we have not argued much.

Lastly, I get a little thrill every time he introduces me as his wife! It hasn't happened much yet, but every time he does i smile! I love it and i love him! I am so proud to have him as my husband and i look forward to our lifetime together!

Thank you to everyone who has been there for us!

We love you all ;-)

UPDATE

Let me start by saying, I think I been being a bit of a pessimist. I have been concentrating on the negative and have not allowed the positive things to come through.

I am going to practice a little bit more positive affirmations.

My life IS wonderful.

I AM very blessed!!!

I DO have an amazing fiance!!!

I say these things because they are TRUE!!!

I realize by constantly harping on the negative things I have been allowing them to them to take over my life.

Surely this is what Satan wants me to do. He wants me to only see through his goggles! He wants me to see the bad things so i will make bad choices and do more bad things!!

Well I'm done with that!

When I concentrate on the Lord and make a conscious effort to be mindful of the things that come out of my mouth and be mindful of the thoughts that run through my head, I emit only good things.

The power of positive thinking!!!

Things are really crazy for me right now and i have not had a chance to make any updates about my last dare, but i will get to it as soon as possible!
The wedding is next weekend so if you may not hear from me till after we get back from the honeymoon! I still have a lot of things to get done this weekend and people start getting into town next week!
Im soooooo EXCITED!!!!
XOXOXOX-KIM

Rabble rabble rabble

Hey!
I have been pretty slack with my blog and with my book.
I have not completed the last dare.
Most of it i can blame on the wedding coming up in two weeks and all the homework i am trying to get done before hand.
Really, I'm writing just to write.
I have missed it.
So i think I'm going to just ramble to get it out.
Lately me and Jason have been fighting A LOT.
Its really stressing me out.
I started driving my brother's car and i thought that was going to help, since before that we had to go everywhere together.
It helped at first, but now its back to fighting.
It makes me wonder if me not reading my book and making the efforts i was is effecting things.
I'm not as positive as i was.
Mostly I'm stressed over everything.
I'm scared i wont finish everything in time for the wedding, I'm scared that the wedding wont be what i have planned it to be. I'm scared we will fight on our wedding day. I'm scared of getting married while we are doing all this fighting.
I'm scared of failure.
I wonder are these normal feelings that everyone feels before they get married?
I have been praying and praying on it but I feel like I have not gotten an answer.
and even that scares me!
Oh and to top all of it off, Jason saw me in my wedding dress.
He had been at the gym and I didn't know what time he was coming home. I was in the living room, having it penned at the bottom so it could be hemmed up and he walked in and walked right back out.
I know its silly, but i wonder is that a sign?
I'm probably being too superstitious about it, but after everyone left, I cried.
Then i felt stupid, but i couldn't help it.
He's not supposed to see me until the wedding day, so that when i come down the isle i take his breath away. I feel like that moment will not be there anymore.
Maybe I'm being silly and looking for a fairy tale that doesn't exist. but every girl still dreams about it.
Well i have rambled enough.
I will continue to pray and hope God has a plan for me that i just cant see yet.
until next time
Kim

Finally made it to # 10

Well, the dare yesterday worked great!!!
When i got in the car i gave Jason 3 big kisses! I think he was already in a good mood, but we have gotten into the bad habit of not kissing each other hello anymore (sometimes we don't greet each other at all!!!!)
He started joking and talking to me about all kinds of things. The book was right! It totally set the mood for the ride home!!!
My goal is to greet him like this as often as possible, even if he's not in such a great mood! I'm hoping it will always set a lighter tone as soon as i get in the car (he picks me up everyday after work)
I was already in a good mood because of how great the dare went, but then he asked me if i wanted to go to trivia that night at the Dog and Duck. I told him I wanted to go but that my friend, Krista (who dates Rick, one of his new found friends) had asked us to go to Madra Rua the next night for St.Patty's day.
The problem with this is i could only do one or the other, not both. I needed to get Taylor one of the nights. He said it was my choice. I asked him if he was going out to trivia regardless of what i decided and he said "no, I'm only going if you are"!!!!
I was sooo happy!!! I told him that he could go to trivia if he wanted and I would stay home and no matter how much i tried to get him to go he wouldn't!!
It made me feel go that he was willing to stay home with me!
He knows i think he has been going out to much, even tho he usually invites me, like i said in my last blog, i have responsibilities at home and cant go out every single night!

So onto the next dare.....

The Lesson:
Love is unconditional

The Dare:
Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse- something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.

Well i always clean the kitchen and do the laundry, so those two wont help me. (I think he needs to read this book stat!!!)
His favorite dessert is probably an ice cream cake from Dairy Queen, but since we are working with only one car for the moment, it's going to be hard for me to surprise him with something like that.
He would LOVE for me to wash the car, but its been pretty rainy all week!
Ill either have to think of something else, or wait till it stops raining!!!
We'll see!

9

I am very sorry to say this last dare has had me a bit stumped.
In the last week or so i have realized that i have to work on my jealousy BIG time! In reality it has nothing to do with how much i trust Jason, it's really about my own insecurities. Like when he goes and hangs out with his friends but leaves me at home with Taylor. He has spent the last 2 years sharing MY friends bc he had just moved back and didnt know anybody! i should be overjoyed that he finally has someone/somewhere that he can go hang out and stay out of trouble.
The best part about it is, they are my friends too and i really like hanging out with all of them! Its kind of a couples thing going on and everyone is so funny and easy going! I think the only reason i get jealous is bc none of them have kids so they can go out whenever they want, whereas i have to stay home and do homework. Don't get me wrong, i would NEVER trade Taylor for going out ANY day or for anything else in the world! It just stinks when Jason doesn't take the same responsibility and i get stuck home alone. Taylor goes to bed around 8:30 and then its just me sitting there watching TV while Jason's out having a good time.
Like i said, i need to work on this, but i am getting better and it is making a difference in our relationship.
The dare said to:
Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.
Well, like i have said, I'm working on the jealousy part (slowly getting better) but Jason hasn't recently enjoyed any success that i can think of so i will just have to keep that in mind and move on to the next dare.
Maybe i should congratulate him on finding such good friends that were under my nose all along!
(Its one of my friend's boyfriend that he's become such good friends with)

Anywho, onto the next one.......

The lesson:
Love makes good impressions

The Dare:
Think of a specific way you'd like to greet you spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them.

I like this one and i think Jason will too altho he probably wont even realize I'm doing anything or making the effort!

Number 8

hey!
Sorry its been so long, I have had a million things to deal with, school of course, but i found out a couple of weeks ago that my cake lady had to cancel on me. I was really bummed, but she just found out she had cancer!! I feel horrible for her! i hope that she everything turns out ok for her!
I have been searching for someone to make the cake, but haven't had much luck. Either they want too much $$$ or they cant make exactly what i want : (
I haven't been freaking out about it too much, but the clock is ticking and i thought i already had this taken care of!!!
I went shopping at publix yesterday (my fav place to shop!) and i saw a student that just did her rotations through MUSC last semester, I remembered she told me her mom also worked at the publix bakery and did cakes on the side!!! I called her last night and she's going to do the cake for the same price!!! That's all the different flavors, set up fee and all!!! i couldn't be happier!!! It was a blessing!! I feel like that was exactly what was supposed to happen!!

Ok, back to the book.
My last dare said to make a list of good and bad traits. It was pretty easy to do. Jason has a lot of good traits and bad ones as well (just like everyone else)
I was to pick one good trait and thank him for it.
I choose to thank him for loving me for me! He has seen me inside and out and knows everything about me, even all the bad, gross things that i wouldn't want anyone to see in a million years, and loves me anyway! what more could you ask for?!!
He was kind of like, Ok?
but dare completed!

Lesson 8
Love is not jealous

The Dare
Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.

Both me and Jason need to work on this one. I wont be able to burn my list, i made it on here and just never posted it, but ill imagine burning it in my head! I'm a bit of a pyro so I'm a little sad i cant physically burn it, lol!! I'm cant think of a recent success, so ill have to think on this one for a bit.

I must say, I'm really enjoying this book. I LOVE to read, and just recently started enjoying christian fiction. I wish i could read the bible more, but i get lost in all the family trees and sons of so and so. This book is great because it has a great message, and passages from the bible in a way that i can understand them and relate to them!!!

Lesson Siete

First let me say thank you to the ones or one (lol) that follows this and is supportive of my writing!! It means a lot to me! I am very insecure about it and your positive words encourage me to continue sharing my journey with you!


This last dare was a little difficult for me. I was a little confused as to what my actual assignment was. After thinking about for a day or two and re-reading the chapter, which I often do anyway to make sure I'm getting the message, I have come up with this:

Part 1- Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation
I am still having trouble controlling my reaction to certain circumstances. I have such a hard time holding my tongue! This morning I was offended because Jason my criticizing my driving! JASON who has me grabbing the "oh shit" handle at least once a day when he drives!!! I was kinda angry about it. I'm sad to say i couldn't help myself from making one small comment, however, for the most part i was able to hide most of my irritation. I didn't get out of the car and start texting him all kinds of mean things, so I'm pretty proud of myself. I had to keep telling myself, let it go, its not worth the fight. And i did, I got out the car and made him give me a kiss, instead of getting out of the car and not even telling him goodbye. Now that I'm at work, i feel so much better about it and I'm glad i was able to let it go!!

Part 2- Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule.
It didn't take me long to come up with this list.
The first place i need to add margin is in my school work. I am such a procrastinator! I wait till the last min to do all my assignments and tests. This can be very stressful when the deadline is fast approaching and I'm not done with the homework or am not completely sure what I'm supposed to do in the first place. I have a wedding coming up in TWO months! This semester's work goes all the way up until the day of the wedding. That sounds crazy but ALL of the assignments are already open. Which means i can do ALL of them today if i wanted and not have to worry about them anymore.
Have I? Of course not!
That's not what procrastinator's do! I will work harder on getting this done so i am not a mad woman up until the wedding.

Other places i could add margin are at the gym. Its a great stress reliever. Also i would like to make more time for just me and Jason. We are always together but its not usually quality time. Its hanging with the kids, or friends, or watching TV (which is NOT considered quality time)

Part 3- List any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.
Hmmmmm. I'm not sure about this one. I would like to thing i don't have any wrong motivations.
Selfishness is a wrong motivation, and while I'm selfish, most of the things i do are not out of selfishness (or at least i don't think.)
I wouldn't consider going to the gym selfish even though i do do it for myself. To look better, to feel better, and to be healthy.
We started dance class. That was a little selfish i guess because it was something i REALLY wanted to do, however, part of the motivation was also to bring me and Jason closer together.
Ill have to think about this one a little more and come back to it.

Lesson 7:
Love believes the best

The Dare:
For today's dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place of another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic.

This sounds interesting!

Its been awhile but here's Lesson 6

Sorry its been so long since i have written. I have been crazy busy! With the wedding coming up in only 2 more months and tons of school work I don't know how I'm going to get through the next few weeks!!!

Anyway, back to my last dare.
It was easy, just ask him what three things I do that pisses him off basically.
It took him a min to come up with the answer, which made me happy that whatever my issues were they weren't sitting on the tip of his tongue, ready and waiting to explode from his mouth.
The first one made me smile a little. He said it really bugs him when i leave the toilet seat up. Your probably thinking "what the heck???" lol, but he didn't mean the actual seat, he meant just the lid. When I go to the bathroom, he always has the lid down so the dog will not drink out of the toilet. So i have to up the lid to go. This doesn't bug me but i ALWAYS ALWAYS forget to put the thing back down. At one point in time this pissed him off so much that he decided since i couldn't put the lid down, he couldn't put the seat down! OH it really irritated me to have to put the seat down before i could go to the bathroom, so for awhile, i made a little more of an effort to put the lid down afterwards. After awhile i started to forget again. I can now understand why this might make him a little irritated.
The next thing he said irritated him was the fact that I'm so nosey. I'm not nosey a little, I'm nosey A LOT! I always want to know who he's texting, or who he's talking to. This might not sound too bad, until you understand the extent of my nosiness. Its not just with Jason, its with everyone! I don't care is its my mother, brother, or grandmother! If they are doing something or talking to someone and i don't know who or what its about, I'm gonna ask. Most people probably think, "so what," but when it happens 24/7, i could understand where it would probably get annoying after awhile. I have made efforts to cool it a little. But every time he is on the phone and i don't know who it is, i just cant help myself sometimes!! I just wanna know soooo bad!! Not because I don't trust him and i think he's talking to someone he shouldn't. I know better than that! I just want to know whats going on. Like I'm afraid to be out of the loop.
The last thing he said was that I'm smug when I'm right. He didn't say it just like that, we were talking about something and yet again (;-o) I was right, So i was smiling real big and he pointed at me and said "that right there!" I knew exactly what he was talking about because he cant stand it when i say "i told you so." even when it only comes out as a smug smile because i knew i was right. Again, i can see where this might get annoying.
I cant change overnight. But this lesson has made me see that i need to make more of an effort to change some of my less finer qualities.


Lesson 6:
Love is not irritable (ha!)

The Dare:
Choose today to react to though circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list below of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life.

WOW! This one sounds pretty intense!!